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statement_ends) wrote2022-12-12 03:44 pm
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A Perfect Waste of Time
There is nothing to suggest that the number of Statements he might extract from the space beneath the Observatory is limited. From what they've gathered, there's far more to work with down there than a single box from the Institute could hold. He should be able to draw from that proverbial well for quite some time. But presuming that his problems have been decisively solved seems foolish, and he's still playing it safe. He visits only as often as he must (for that specific need, anyway; he still stops by for social calls lest Norah start feeling a bit used), and often draws multiple Statements per visit so he'll have tapes in reserve in case something should happen. He tells himself the reserves are for something like rubbish weather, as opposed to the far more upsetting possibility that he might head to the Observatory one day and find it gone.
Granted, it's not just vaguely superstitious caution that has him trying to limit his sojourns. He's started picking up on... something from Martin over the past few weeks. Something he can't quite pin down. It can't be anything as absurd as disapproval, and if it's concern, he can't imagine why. But he has been getting an odd, persistent impression that Martin isn't thrilled with his trips to 'the Ghost Hole,' necessary as they unquestionably are.
Said necessity is why he hasn't got up the nerve to poke the bear, yet. The prospect of them having some sort of spat over something they both know is indispensable is a little too ridiculous for him to go manifesting into reality. If Martin had a sincere concern, surely he'd air it without needing John to prompt him.
Maybe he's just imagining it. Or perhaps Martin is just... having an off day. Several off days. That just happen to coincide with his trips to the Observatory. Sure.
The weather today wasn't rubbish enough to justify staying home, but despite taking a cab for most of the journey, John still returns home with a wet coat and hair that's started to curl a bit from the rain. "Hullo," he says, both to Martin and to The Bishop, who trotted to the entryway to greet him before pulling up short and eyeing his dampened trouser legs with feline trepidation. He leaves his shoes on the mat, sets his bag on the floor, and shucks off his coat, giving Martin a slightly more assessing glance than he normally might. "I don't suppose the kettle's on?" he ventures, trying to gauge whether Martin's vaguely sour mood from this morning has improved in his absence.
Granted, it's not just vaguely superstitious caution that has him trying to limit his sojourns. He's started picking up on... something from Martin over the past few weeks. Something he can't quite pin down. It can't be anything as absurd as disapproval, and if it's concern, he can't imagine why. But he has been getting an odd, persistent impression that Martin isn't thrilled with his trips to 'the Ghost Hole,' necessary as they unquestionably are.
Said necessity is why he hasn't got up the nerve to poke the bear, yet. The prospect of them having some sort of spat over something they both know is indispensable is a little too ridiculous for him to go manifesting into reality. If Martin had a sincere concern, surely he'd air it without needing John to prompt him.
Maybe he's just imagining it. Or perhaps Martin is just... having an off day. Several off days. That just happen to coincide with his trips to the Observatory. Sure.
The weather today wasn't rubbish enough to justify staying home, but despite taking a cab for most of the journey, John still returns home with a wet coat and hair that's started to curl a bit from the rain. "Hullo," he says, both to Martin and to The Bishop, who trotted to the entryway to greet him before pulling up short and eyeing his dampened trouser legs with feline trepidation. He leaves his shoes on the mat, sets his bag on the floor, and shucks off his coat, giving Martin a slightly more assessing glance than he normally might. "I don't suppose the kettle's on?" he ventures, trying to gauge whether Martin's vaguely sour mood from this morning has improved in his absence.
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He smiles faintly at John's last remark, and answers with a slight nod against his chest. "Okay," he says eventually, and breathes out, slow and audible. "Yeah."
He lets his hands pass slowly up and down John's back in a mirror of John's hands on him; he holds him a little closer as if reassuring himself that he's here, he's all right, he'll be all right. When he finally lets go, he pulls back, but not far, a little embarrassed but much more relaxed.
"I'm glad I... that I've been able to help," he says, slightly awkward but sincere. "And that you're okay." He meets John's eyes briefly before glancing back at the stove. Tea does sound good now, the subsequent sit-down even moreso. "H-how about that tea?"
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"Please," John replies, not without feeling. Martin's embrace has banished some of the chill, but none of the damp, and a hot beverage and some fresh clothes sound perfect. He leans in to press a kiss to Martin's temple, murmuring, "I'll be right back." Then, he gently extricates himself and heads for the bedroom, The Bishop trotting alongside and making the occasional bid to rub up against his shin.
It only takes him a minute or so to exchange his trousers for some dry joggers and his button-up for one of his loose jumpers (longer than it would have if he didn't need to navigate around a very insistent cat), and he wanders back out with The Bishop in his arms, feeling a great deal more comfortable. "All right?" he asks, pausing at the edge of the kitchen to see how Martin's getting on.
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"Here we are," he says, setting John's mug down on the coffee table so he can get it after negotiating with The Bishop. He settles in beside them, taking a pensive sip of his own, quiet for a moment. He's not quite sure where to go from here, conversationally; it might be easy enough to share some gentle silence, but there is still something flitting around the periphery of his awareness, like something that didn't quite get settled with all the rest. It's without much thought that he eventually voices it.
"You and Norah don't... actually talk about me, do you?" Almost before he's even finished the question, he already regrets it. Christ, this is the last thing he needs to be prodding. He tries to hastily course correct: "I-I mean — Sorry, that's a stupid question. I'm sure you have much more interesting things to talk about." He frowns into his tea and takes another little sip before he can't quite help muttering, "Though what, I'm sure I don't know."
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First, he blinks over the rim of his cup, riding out the initial burst of incredulity over the thought of Norah being inclined towards gossip, let alone gossip about Martin. It's a shame that the two of them have never really got on (and perhaps that excuses such a gross mischaracterization of Norah on Martin's part), but that generally translates to each of them only asking after the other to the extent that good manners would dictate. And even then, the lack of real interest is palpable. He wouldn't presume to natter about Martin to Norah anymore than the reverse — though Christ, perhaps he should, if only to correct some of these misconceptions before they can take root.
Martin dismisses his own question as 'stupid' before John can respond to it, though the backhanded self-deprecation strikes him as rather unfair. John takes a steadying sip of his own tea to prevent himself from responding a little too off the cuff, but his brows are drawn together in sharp disapproval. The uncomfortable truth of it is that Martin isn't an interesting topic of conversation to Norah, but that hardly translates to him being uninteresting as a rule, or uninteresting to John. If not for the awkward interlude in the kitchen (and even that was mostly about Martin's use as a bulwark against Statement withdrawal, not his overall value), he'd insist that they were well past that.
And perhaps they are, if Martin's final, muttered aside is anything to go by. John swallows his tea with conscious effort, eyes widening slightly as he considers this new piece of information, a square-shaped peg that doesn't quite fit in the round-shaped hole of Martin's usual anxieties. His tone was defensive, perhaps aiming for dismissive, but unable to stick the landing. John gets the distinct impression that Martin truly can't imagine what he and Norah might talk about, and that it bothers him for reasons that go beyond any niggling suspicion that they're talking about him. Maybe it's just that failure of imagination that troubles him — and John supposes that he, of all people, is in no position to fault someone for wanting to know something, even if it's technically none of his business. But this also doesn't feel like simple curiosity, not when Martin has been so stubbornly disinterested in actually getting to know Norah on his own.
He doesn't want to imagine that they talk about him. But he struggles to imagine what else they might talk about, because...?
There is a faint creak of fingers against ceramic glaze as a possibility occurs to him, but it is so outlandish that he cannot trust it, certainly not to the point of voicing it. Not on the basis of what little evidence he's gathered so far. But the thought is as tantalizing as it is completely fucking mental, and he has to lean hard away from the desire to simply Know. He doesn't want to do that to Martin; he has a long-standing policy of not Knowing how he feels. And there is also a small, preemptively giddy part of him that wants to earn this, if he's actually onto something.
John takes another sip of tea, then clears his throat. "I hadn't realized you were so interested," he says, light and faintly teasing. "Should I be recording that, too?"
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When John instead needles him further, it's a bit of a rude surprise, even if it's arguably deserved. Martin blinks, his shoulders tightening into an automatic defensive posture, and he stammers, "Wh- N-no, that's not what I — Don't be ridiculous." He feels himself blushing and realizes there's nowhere to hide, nestled here beside John on the couch. He stares down at his tea, half-wondering if he should attempt to spill it as some sort of diversion and not quite having the nerve. "Look, just forget it."
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But he's discovered a hook so fascinating that he has no intention of letting Martin off of it just yet. It's the blush that convinces him, and John sets down his tea so he can give Martin his full attention, pivoting on the cushions to face him, an incredulous grin tugging at his lips.
"Martin," he says with considerable relish, elbow propped on the back of the couch and eyes bright with interest, "are you jealous?"
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"Wh—" Alarm bells are going off in the back of his head, and the worst of it is, he has no right to the surprise. If anything, he'd become far too complacent. It's just he'd been so certain that if this hadn't ever come up before, it never would. Because John's not a child, and neither is Martin, and no matter how obvious he is, his failure to get along with Norah is a mutual affair. So why would John ever think this? Why would he ever ask it?
"N-no!" he sputters, and opens his mouth as if expecting more indignant denial to come forward. His voice betrays him though, and he just sits there like an idiot, clutching his tea.
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But that's the problem. It's not outlandish at all.
"...Okay, maybe," he grits out a moment later, wondering if he can spin this like he hadn't realized it himself, before he finally crumples: "Fine. Fine. Yes. A bit." He stares at his tea, then knocks most of it back like it's a shot, setting the cup aside so he can better bury his face in his hands.
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"Since when?" John asks, or starts to, but he hasn't even hit the final consonant before his own, human intuition once again provides the answer. Martin has always been a bit weird about Norah, stiff and standoffish for reasons John had never bothered to interrogate. But this new information provides fresh context for all that unfriendliness, and the answer spills out of him in an incredulous rush before he can even draw breath: "This whole time?"
This is appalling. This is the best.
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He can't even get his next question out before he's already answered it himself, and Christ, it was over two years ago that he met Norah the first time, her unexpected arrival at The Archive. He barely remembers it, except that she'd called him out for his nosiness and his over-protectiveness, and he'd expected John to confront him about it then but it hadn't happened. Only for it to come out now?
"Wh — Look, listen," Martin says a bit desperately, "She's just — You're always — You get on so well and I just—"
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John feels such an overwhelming swell of fondness for this ridiculous man that he can't resist reaching for him, one hand lighting on his back and the other on his arm, the first suggestion of a proper embrace. He also can't resist continuing to tease a bit, because honestly. "Me and the incorporeal woman who's old enough to be my great-great-grandmother. You think she's going to... what, lock me in the Observatory and have her wicked way with me?" He starts giggling, unable to imagine even joking about such a thing with her. She'd lose all respect for him in a heartbeat.
Something even funnier occurs to him, and he guffaws outright. "Is it, is— sh-should we stop using the phrase 'ghost hole'?" he manages to gasp, so overcome with amusement that it's a struggle to squawk the words out. "T-too suggestive?" At that, he fully lurches over, head landing on Martin's shoulder as he continues to quake with laughter.
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But before he can muster enough stubbornness to make any point about how her technical age has really got nothing to do with it — from what he's seen, she still reads as a young woman to him — John swerves into making childish entendres and collapses onto his shoulder, and Martin can only gawp at the wall beyond them before mustering a scandalized, "John!"
The worst thing of all is he has to admit it is pretty funny, and John's laughter has always been infectious, so it's with a slightly unsteady quiver that he grits out, "For Christ's sake."
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"Can't believe you were worried," he says, lifting his head and pressing a warm, only faintly giggly kiss to Martin's temple. "As if anyone else in this city would put up with me."
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The idea that Norah, or anyone for that matter, wouldn't put up with John is enough to make him annoyed all over again. "Anyone would be," he insists rather aggressively.
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Said explanation really does nothing helpful for the urge to kiss him, and John's expression takes a turn for the hopelessly besotted. "Martin..." he starts, and then flounders for a beat. He wants to insist that Norah is plainly not attracted to him — he has a hard time imagining her being attracted to anyone, honestly, but it feels presumptuous to speculate about her proclivities, or to trust his own assumptions on the matter. At any rate, he's confident that if she had such inclinations, and considered them to be any of his business, he'd have been made aware by now. His ignorance, then, could be taken as evidence that it's really none of his concern.
But he's getting bogged down in the details, and he gives his head a small shake. "I suppose it's lucky that I'm madly in love with you, then," he murmurs, lifting his hand to Martin's cheek and leaning forward until their foreheads touch. "Though if you needed a little extra... reassurance," he adds, voice dropping to a purr, "I would be more than willing to oblige."
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"I—" he blurts, not even certain why he has any instinct to push back against this. Perhaps for the same reason that he refused to abandon his own sour mood: he's pretty sure he doesn't deserve to be let off the hook for all this, much less rewarded for it.
But that's too many words to get out just now. For a few beats he just stammers silently, then he finally manages a completely bewildered, "What?!"
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He begins by bending to press a delicate kiss against Martin's jaw, his hand drifting back so he can gently curl his fingers in Martin's hair. "I think you know what I mean," he replies, still tucked close enough for his lips to brush against Martin's neck as he speaks.
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Resisting has absolutely no appeal, but simple acquiescence also lies just beyond his reach. Instead, a nearly imperceptible shiver runs through him as John's lips brush along his neck, and his lips part as if to answer with a little whine, like he ordinarily might. He can't muster a sound, but his breath trembles and his fingers flex as if he wants to reach out and doesn't quite dare.
"I—" He swallows thickly, his chin tipping up ever so slightly in what might be an attempt at a nod, or a half-conscious request. "I'm not sure I deserve that," he says, his voice dry, his tone teetering somewhere between facetious and wary.
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What Martin may or may not deserve is beside the point. John has absolutely no desire to sit here and unpack all this, as if they haven't grown beyond the need to preemptively justify every single move they make lest either of them put a toe out of line (the worst of all possible disasters). He can't make out the shape of any real risk. He can't imagine Martin actually crafting some simple, stimulus-response connection between acting like a prat and getting 'rewarded' with a bit of fooling around on their couch, and concluding he should act like a prat more often.
He considers and rejects both a flippant 'I'm not sure I care' and a fervent 'you deserve everything,' neither of which serve his current purpose. Too open to argument. Instead, he blazes a slow trail from the juncture of Martin's neck and shoulder up towards his jawline, laying out his justifications in between kisses. "Let's compromise, then: you be the judge of what a catch I am, and I'll be the judge of what you deserve." He pauses long enough for a solicitous, "How does that sound?" before taking Martin's earlobe between his lips and sucking gently.
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Because John is a catch; and what's more, John is his. Why the hell would he want to deny himself that, under any circumstances?
"O-okay," he manages to get out, breathless and quivering slightly, feeling himself list back a bit like he might actually topple over. His body finally seems to wake up, one hand going out to brace against the back of the couch and the other grasping onto John's shirt like he wants to pull him closer. Another layer of that silly, reflexive stubbornness that had been holding him back fractures, and he answers again, his voice shaky but still more decisive: "Yes."
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He pulls back enough to meet Martin's gaze and murmur a low, satisfied, "Good." Then he leans in to kiss him properly, palm cradling the back of Martin's head as he slowly, inexorably bears him back towards the cushions.
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But John catches him before he can spiral, his low voice and the kiss that follows more than enough to drag Martin back into the moment. John's already made it clear that he wants to do this; Martin doesn't have to understand why, and doesn't really want to disrupt things long enough to find out. Enough unnecessary dithering. He isn't being demanding; he's following John's lead, because John wants to lead him, and it's ridiculous to pretend he doesn't want to be led, no matter what he thinks he deserves. So he relaxes a little more, his hands sliding up to frame John's face, his touch still delicate, tentative, wanting to leave room for John to redirect him if he so chooses. If John wants to have him, then Martin wants to offer himself, and he wants John to have him however he likes.
He lets himself be pushed back, gentle but firm, until his back meets the cushions and he gasps softly, breaking the kiss just long enough to whisper, "Please."
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John slides his hand to Martin's side in lieu of leaving it pinned between him and the cushion, and he responds to that whispered plea with a low hum and another slow, ponderous kiss. He could easily escalate, guiding Martin down onto his back, but there are a few things he'd rather do, first. He allows himself another kiss, soft and brief, then draws back enough to look Martin in the eye. The hand that was in his hair drifts down, fingers still curled, the backs of his knuckles cresting over the curve of Martin's neck and the small swell of his collarbone. Then he hooks a finger over the top button of Martin's shirt, giving the garment a light, illustrative tug. "May I?"
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It's no surprise when John settles at the top button of his shirt, though Martin's breath still hitches over that suggestive little tug. It's easy enough to assume John plans to mark him, and will need to pull his collar aside for it; the question is both courteous and coy, and Martin is quick to answer it with a soft whine and an eager little nod.
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